I am so amazed at how you are growing and the changes in you each day. I see how you recognize Mommy and Daddy, our voices and our faces. I can tell that you do because when I am holding you and Daddy comes into the room talking, you pause and your eyes begin to search over your head; and when I come to you I see your eyes light up and you flash that crooked smile. My heart just melts again and again. How sweet it is – this time we have together…
They told me that when I became a mom, my whole world would change. I listened to reflections about priorities and schedules; time and interests. But nothing prepared me for the experience I had this weekend that got me to thinking –
…Although you recognize me now – what if something were to change, and I was not around when you are a little bit more grown up? Would you remember me? What would you remember? Would you know who your Mama was – meaning – what makes me laugh, what makes me cry; my passions and convictions; strengths and weaknesses.
Even I have a hard time recalling or seeing these things in my own parents who are very much alive. What if I was not here… who would tell you the story of our journey to find you? Who would teach you all of the wonderful things I cannot wait to share with you?
It was very overwhelming to think of this … and it made me so sad that I cried as I was holding you that afternoon. It was a stinging reminder about how fleeting this time is; and how we really need to savor and enjoy every detail.
This is one of the reasons for writing to you – Dear Ian; here and in your journal. I want to share with you the remarkable moments of this journey; and some advice along the way. I hope that one day when you read back, you will understand your mommy, daddy and who we are as a family; wheth we are here to speak it or you are reflecting with the echo of our voices.
I love you, always.