Dear Ian | how sweet it is

Dear Ian,

I am so amazed at how you are growing and the changes in you each day.  I see how you recognize Mommy and Daddy, our voices and our faces.  I can tell that you do because when I am holding you and Daddy comes into the room talking, you pause and your eyes begin to search over your head; and when I come to you I see your eyes light up and you flash that crooked smile.  My heart just melts again and again. How sweet it is –  this time we have together…

They told me that when I became a mom, my whole world would change.  I listened to reflections about priorities and schedules; time and interests.  But nothing prepared me for the experience I had this weekend that got me to thinking –

Although you recognize me now – what if something were to change, and I was not around when you are a little bit more grown up?  Would you remember me? What would you remember?  Would you know who your Mama was – meaning – what makes me laugh, what makes me cry; my passions and convictions; strengths and weaknesses.

Even I have a hard time recalling or seeing these things in my own parents who are very much alive.  What if I was not here… who would tell you the story of our journey to find you? Who would teach you all of the wonderful things I cannot wait to share with you?

It was very overwhelming to think of this … and it made me so sad that I cried as I was holding you that afternoon.  It was a stinging reminder about how fleeting this time is; and how we really need to savor and enjoy every detail.

This is one of the reasons for writing to you – Dear Ian; here and in your journal.  I want to share with you the remarkable moments of this journey; and some advice along the way.  I hope that one day when you read back, you will understand your mommy, daddy and who we are as a family; wheth we are here to speak it or you are reflecting with the echo of our voices.

I love you, always.

Mommy

Advertisements

falling in love with autumn

Autumn is here.  The calendar marked it for us two weeks ago and Mother Nature is reminding us with the chilled rain that has showered the colors of fall. I LOVE this time of year for so many reasons.

  • the crisp air that awakens the senses and makes everything seem more vibrant;
  • the colors that accent the skyline and the view of corn fields turned autumn gold;
  • the sound of Mr. Michel’s tractor cutting the corn and the red winged blackbirds taking flight;
  • the comfort of a favorite pair of thermals, flannel shirt or sweater that reemerges for the season;
  • warm apple cider and soup made from the last of the garden’s harvest;
  • a nice cabernet after a day’s outing;
  • the smell of leaves as they begin to decay or of a woodstove that is burned for the first time of the season;
  • apples and pumpkins;
  • and now… late afternoon or early evening walks with the Professor and Ian!

a random thought – from summer to fall

It seems just yesterday that I was sitting on the front porch, head wrapped in a wet bandana, drinking ice water with my feet up – trying to heal my “cankles” on the hottest fourth of July I could ever remember.  Who knew that the following day I would go into labor – 5 weeks early!  Here I am, it is October… and although I have been home with this little man for just over 12 weeks – I still have to pinch myself to be sure I am not dreaming this as my life! But as I look over to his sweet sleeping form I am reminded again of how grateful I am.